slippery slope

I've been making more work. So far, so good. Now I just have to keep it up. That's the hard part. Reaching inside and flogging the beast so stamina doesn't wane. Seems I have a thing for yellow background paint on canvas. Color of sunshine? Not really. Something about it is both jarring and nostalgic. At least for me. A blue piece is slowly simmering. I need to get on that shit. It's very watery, naturally. The Pixies just came on the radio. That's nice. I should listen to the Pixies and paint.

Still no job. Eventually the other shoe has got to drop, doesn't it? I hope I'm not being too picky with what I apply for. I applied for 7 or 8 jobs of a wide variety (but mostly admin. oriented) this week. Maybe I'll get some responses next week. Things are slow on the West Coast. I'm used to snap your fingers speed decisiveness. It's a paradigm shift I am gradually getting used to. I like it, but it doesn't help to pay the bills. Once I have money to sit on my ass and drink coffee and beer in all these hip joints, I will. Gotta get the funds first however. Always a catch.

I am pretty sure I'll be driving to drop off some work next week at a gallery on the Oregon Coast. They're having an open call for submissions and the curator is the assistant curator of prints and drawings at the PAM. You never know. It's a bit of a drive, almost 2 hrs. but it will be our first real view of the Pacific. Damn the cold, and damn the expense, we need a day trip! Cranking the radio and seeing the sites.

Okay. Enough of this. Need to go turn the space heater on in the studio and get cracking while the light is still pretty good.

My absence here signifies things of both the good and bad nature. Since I'm feeling a bit dark (que surprise!) I'll start with the bad. My studio practice is constantly trying to get itself up and running. It's like an old dog that wants very badly to be full of energy and get up and go, but tires out all too quickly. I'm used to working in fairly intense spurts, bad I did have hopes that after all this time spent in school and spent in my head- that the work would start to unfurl itself in a more consistent manner. It's not that I am at a loss for what comes next, but rather I'm having a hard time committing to that which needs must be done. I'm puttering around making solid work, when the good and meaty stuff that needs to get cooking is constantly being bantered around in my head but is yet to manifest itself in the flesh. Finding work (i.e. paying employment) continues to be a nasty bit of a reality check that I'm quite sure is hindering my artistic aspirations. Money is the devil if ever there was one.

On that cheery note I'll switch gears to the good. I managed to apply for 2 teaching positions which I may have some hope in hell of getting. My background aligns well with the set-up and philosophies of both schools, but will my lack of any serious experience rule me out? Nothing to do but wait and see on that front. At the very least my applications are getting to be more impressive, which I guess is that whole progress track I'm supposed to be chugging along on. Interestingly enough I got an e-mail just now saying one of the schools received my application and will be contacting me at the end of the month. A good omen? Perhaps. After being inundated with polite and enthusiastic rejection letters from every school I applied to for this past yr., I am starting to shrug off (more or less) the no-noNONONOssss I keep getting. It's not the rejection so much as it is the lack of any opportunity to prove myself. I just need one small, tiny opening to present itself and I promise cross my heart and hope to die die die, that I will be a magnifico employee that is revered and adored and gets the shit done. I just need a yes. Just one. Though I wouldn't refuse a couple. Also on the good front, I'll be showing at a relatively new intimate space on Alberta St. in mid summer 2007. My time slot is a pretty plum one, and though it's not a show at Liz Leach, it will most certainly do nicely. Anything to get people to see the work in a serious way. I appreciate that coffee shops and restaurants are not created equal, and that showing at these venues can be profitable and good in general, but it's not for me. I'm too ambitious and snooty. It's not even worth pretending that I'm otherwise. It's not that I don't think other people should jump on this particular venue bandwagon, but that it's not wise for me. If I can get into the Whitney Biennial in the next 5-10 yrs. I'll be a happy camper. I dream big, so I guess I've got to be ready for big failure. I know it all goes hand in hand. No pain no gain. Nothing ventured nothing lost. All that crap. I also entered a video piece into a show about repetition and ritual. I haven't heard their verdict yet, but I'll be hoping for the best. At the end of the day that's about all that I've got to hold on to.

So, it has come to this. I am having a hell of a time sorting out the weeds from the grass, and no, I'm not even completely sure what I mean by that. I know a few things. Here's what they are:

1. I now live in Portland, OR
2. I don't have a job
   
3. I do have job prospects
4. I want to teach at the college level
5. Colleges have a hard time hiring teachers that are fresh out of grad school
6. I can make stimulating and well crafted art
7. I can make didactic and lazy art
8. Money is a huge, crazy obstacle
9. I'm artistically burdened by money
10. My feet are icy cold

Other than that, just the usual bull. Trying not to hold my breath whilst feverishly scouring the internet for something meaningful. A job. A call for submissions. A road that leads somewhere other than me staring at my computer screen- wishing I was Dorothy- and that I could simply click my slippered heels and figure out how to get back to all that makes sense.

I've started this blog specifically to be annonymous. To let one rip, and not worry about entertaining my friends or explaining myself. This is a place for me to follow that confused thread and see if I can untagle it a bit. Why oh why have I dedicated my life to the pursuit of an art career? It seems like it would be so much easier if I had a business degree and a power suit or two. Now I've got an M.F. freakin' A. And so much to prove.

I figure that one of my problems is that a lot of the documenting I've done of my work is rather sub-par. I know this because I'm not doing what I should be doing- using tungsten lights or some other crazy bright lightsource, so as to wash the drawing/painting/sculpture in light. Also I haven't been using a tripod. No one to blame but myself. I get greedy though, and I want to post things now now now. Even if they're not at their best. I have a good deal of drawings that need to be framed too. Back to the money "issue". Not to mention the "rent issue", or "student loan issue" that will be rearing their collective heads soon. Maybe I can make a video game about the life of an "emmerging" artist. It would have to be better than Prison Tycoon right? There would be missions and ironic statements. It would be way more fun than Art School Confidential. That movie had so much promise, and was ultimately so flat and lackluster. I hope I can avoid falling into that trap. I'd rather make something confusing and out there than something that's boring. I guess that's one artistic choice down. Now I just need to stick to my guns and make some stuff.

I made a drawing the other day, and I dig it. But I need to make more. It is a little tricky to be self indulgent- in the way I believe you have to be in order to make good work- while maintaining a relationship and a life. It would be so much easier to live in a hole and pump shit out. But I don't want to be that bleak. I love my man. I love my life. I just want to move on to the next gig, so to speak. The next marker that will tell me I've made a kind of progress which is socially recognized and will bring me to the next opportunity. One of the hardest lessons for a person who likes to keep to themselves is that you have to network in the art world. Who knows who could help you. You have to bullshit with people. You have to make connections. I can do all that, but it cuts against my grain. I like things to unfold in a sensible manner. Work hard, prove yourself and good things will come. But that's all so bloody unlikely. There are no guarantees. Timing and luck play much too big a role. I need to believe in myself and my work more. I need to give craigslist and artfaceoff and PORT and lj and gmail and now blogger, a rest.

I need to face my life and my art. NOW.