So, it has come to this. I am having a hell of a time sorting out the weeds from the grass, and no, I'm not even completely sure what I mean by that. I know a few things. Here's what they are:

1. I now live in Portland, OR
2. I don't have a job
   
3. I do have job prospects
4. I want to teach at the college level
5. Colleges have a hard time hiring teachers that are fresh out of grad school
6. I can make stimulating and well crafted art
7. I can make didactic and lazy art
8. Money is a huge, crazy obstacle
9. I'm artistically burdened by money
10. My feet are icy cold

Other than that, just the usual bull. Trying not to hold my breath whilst feverishly scouring the internet for something meaningful. A job. A call for submissions. A road that leads somewhere other than me staring at my computer screen- wishing I was Dorothy- and that I could simply click my slippered heels and figure out how to get back to all that makes sense.

I've started this blog specifically to be annonymous. To let one rip, and not worry about entertaining my friends or explaining myself. This is a place for me to follow that confused thread and see if I can untagle it a bit. Why oh why have I dedicated my life to the pursuit of an art career? It seems like it would be so much easier if I had a business degree and a power suit or two. Now I've got an M.F. freakin' A. And so much to prove.

I figure that one of my problems is that a lot of the documenting I've done of my work is rather sub-par. I know this because I'm not doing what I should be doing- using tungsten lights or some other crazy bright lightsource, so as to wash the drawing/painting/sculpture in light. Also I haven't been using a tripod. No one to blame but myself. I get greedy though, and I want to post things now now now. Even if they're not at their best. I have a good deal of drawings that need to be framed too. Back to the money "issue". Not to mention the "rent issue", or "student loan issue" that will be rearing their collective heads soon. Maybe I can make a video game about the life of an "emmerging" artist. It would have to be better than Prison Tycoon right? There would be missions and ironic statements. It would be way more fun than Art School Confidential. That movie had so much promise, and was ultimately so flat and lackluster. I hope I can avoid falling into that trap. I'd rather make something confusing and out there than something that's boring. I guess that's one artistic choice down. Now I just need to stick to my guns and make some stuff.

I made a drawing the other day, and I dig it. But I need to make more. It is a little tricky to be self indulgent- in the way I believe you have to be in order to make good work- while maintaining a relationship and a life. It would be so much easier to live in a hole and pump shit out. But I don't want to be that bleak. I love my man. I love my life. I just want to move on to the next gig, so to speak. The next marker that will tell me I've made a kind of progress which is socially recognized and will bring me to the next opportunity. One of the hardest lessons for a person who likes to keep to themselves is that you have to network in the art world. Who knows who could help you. You have to bullshit with people. You have to make connections. I can do all that, but it cuts against my grain. I like things to unfold in a sensible manner. Work hard, prove yourself and good things will come. But that's all so bloody unlikely. There are no guarantees. Timing and luck play much too big a role. I need to believe in myself and my work more. I need to give craigslist and artfaceoff and PORT and lj and gmail and now blogger, a rest.

I need to face my life and my art. NOW.